School Refusal: When Anxiety Makes Going to School Feel Impossible
Photo by Mikhail Nilov
For many children and teens, the thought of going to school can sometimes feel overwhelming—more than just a bad day or nerves before a test. When anxiety takes hold, it can make school feel impossible, leading to what’s called school refusal. This isn’t about being stubborn or lazy; it’s a real struggle where fear and worry make walking through those school doors feel too hard to bear.
What Is School Refusal?
School refusal happens when a child or teen consistently avoids going to school because of emotional distress. This could be due to fears about social situations, academic pressure, separation from family, or other stressors. It often looks like crying, physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches, or even tantrums before school. These reactions come from deep anxiety, not a desire to “manipulate” others.
Why Does Anxiety Lead to School Refusal?
Anxiety signals danger—even if the threat is not physical. For students, it can trigger fears about fitting in, facing academic demands, or disappointing others. Avoiding school feels like the easiest way to escape those feelings. But avoiding only makes anxiety grow stronger because it teaches the brain that school is something to be feared. This creates a cycle that can be tough to break.
How Can Parents/Caregivers Support?
Supporting a child or teen struggling with school refusal means creating a steady, supportive environment that helps reduce avoidance:
Acknowledge feelings without pressure. Let them know it’s okay to feel scared or upset, while gently encouraging steps toward school. Use can your own experience of anxiety (e.g., first day back at work after vacation) to connect with their experience and brainstorm solutions.
Build a predictable but flexible routine. Having regular wake-up times, meals, and planned activities provides safety and structure, which lowers anxiety. At the same time, the routine should allow room for gradual challenges—breaking tasks into smaller steps and facing fears bit by bit. This balance helps reduce avoidance by encouraging exposure without overwhelming the child.
Work closely with the school. Collaborate with teachers and counselors to create a gradual plan that supports returning to school in manageable steps.
Seek professional guidance. Therapists can help teach coping skills and guide gradual exposure to feared situations.
Helpful Skills and Therapies
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is especially helpful. It uses exposure techniques where the individual faces their fears gradually, building confidence with each step.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers skills like distress tolerance, which helps young people manage uncomfortable emotions without needing to avoid or control everything.
Moving Forward With Confidence
School refusal can feel daunting, and anxiety symptoms do not have to stop children and teens from learning and growing. With patience, support, and practical strategies, they can take small steps toward returning to school and feeling more in control.