Validation: How To Get Someone To Listen
In therapy and in everyday life, it is common to want to jump straight to solutions when someone is struggling. If a friend is upset, we try to “fix” the problem. If a child is anxious, we want to make the anxiety disappear. For the receiver, this can heighten the feeling of being misunderstood. Though you mean well, the other person might not be hearing you because the sense of connection is not there. Think of how it felt the last time you shared vulnerable experience and someone replied with, “you could have avoided that if only you did [insert solution here].
Validating you does not mean I have to agree with you
Validation means recognizing and accepting someone’s feelings and experiences as real and understandable, without judgment or dismissal. It’s not about agreeing or solving the problem right away—it’s about saying, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling makes sense.”
Why bother validating?
When someone is upset or anxious, their feelings are often confusing and overwhelming. Trying to fix things too quickly can unintentionally send the message that their feelings are wrong or inconvenient. This can lead to feeling misunderstood, isolated, or even more distressed.
Validation, on the other hand, creates a sense of safety and connection. It tells the person that it’s okay to feel how they feel. This emotional acceptance is often the first step toward healing and growth because it lowers defenses and opens the door for real understanding.
Why the “fluff” instead of “logically” solving the problem together?
It’s natural to want to solve problems—and problem-solving definitely has its place. But it’s important to remember the order: validation comes first. When people feel truly seen and heard, they are more likely to be open to exploring solutions later.
For example, if a teen is upset about a conflict with a friend, jumping immediately to advice (“Just talk to them!”) might feel dismissive. Instead, validating might look like: “That sounds really hard. It makes sense you’re feeling hurt and confused.” Once the teen feels understood, they’re more likely to listen and consider next steps.
Validation that works:
Listen actively. Give your full attention without interrupting.
Reflect feelings. Name the emotions you see: “You seem really frustrated.”
Avoid judgment or minimizing. Don’t say things like “It’s not a big deal” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Express empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes: “Anyone would feel upset in your situation.”
Why It’s Especially Important for Anxiety
For people with anxiety, validation can be a lifeline. Anxiety often feels invisible or misunderstood by others. When someone’s worries or fears are validated, it helps reduce shame and self-criticism. That acceptance makes it easier to face anxiety rather than fight or avoid it.
Final Thoughts
Validation doesn’t mean you have to have all the answers—or even that the problem isn’t important. It means creating a space where feelings are accepted first, and solutions come second. Whether you’re supporting a friend, child, or yourself, starting with validation can deepen connection and set the stage for real progress.